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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975112">Nothing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonMaster_Shi/pseuds/DragonMaster_Shi'>DragonMaster_Shi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Kalluto Zoldyck, Nonbinary Kurapika (Hunter X Hunter), fuck the adult zoldycks i hate them, i just love them okay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:13:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,763</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975112</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonMaster_Shi/pseuds/DragonMaster_Shi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>what started as a character study I did on Kalluto turned out to be surprisingly nice. I just love them so much they're so underappriciated</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gon Freecs &amp; Kalluto Zoldyck, Kalluto Zoldyck &amp; Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika &amp; Kalluto Zoldyck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Nothing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've never posted on here before but here we go -~-</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Girl. Kalluto heard that word a lot. "You dress like a girl," from Milluki, "isn't that a girly power?" from Illumi, once upon a time when they still saw each other regularly, the variations of "little girl," sneered by many a soon-to-be victim, unaware of Kalluto's power, and lastly, Kikyo's sighs of, "Oh how I wanted a little girl," when she thinks Kalluto can't hear. To Kalluto, girl isn't a word meant for them, it's a word that describes their mother, or a word they hear Killua use to describe Alluka. It's a word describing many of their victims, and a word that defines Canary, or one of the many other butlers on their estate.</p>
<p>Boy. Another empty word, used by Kalluto's family as a descriptor for them. It's never a word they'd call themself willingly, just another term for what they're supposed to be. It's a word for Killua, a word for Zeno, a word for Illumi and Milluki and that strange little boy that had come to take Killua away. It wasn't a word for them. They were Nothing, an empty blip of white in a map of pink and blue.</p>
<p>Nothing. They didn't know when they'd gotten used to the Nothing. Maybe it was when Killua turned six and first tried to run away, and they were left, forgotten in the background. Maybe it was when their father stopped acknowledging their presence when he greeted Kikyo. Maybe, they speculated, it was when they first mastered nen, and nobody said a word of approval. Nobody even cared  when they ran off to join the Phantom Troupe. Regardless of where they were, the Nothing was always there, casting a blanket of white over them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kalluto stared up at the ceiling of the old hotel room. The Troupe was split up, at least for the foreseeable future, and they were left all alone again. The fanblades whirred in a steady pace, drowning out the low hum of the radiator and the tick of the quiet clock in the corner. They should be asleep. They knew that. Unfortunately, Kalluto's extremely fucked-up sleep schedule wouldn't allow it. The dark under their eyes was noticeable, but only if a brave passerby could look into their cold lavender eyes long enough to see more than their frigid stare. Kalluto tried to focus on the whirring of the fan, or the other, quieter noises of other guests outside their room, but soon the fuzzy static of the Nothing broke through. They were all alone again, just a defect dot of white on a monitor of rose and turquoise hues.<br/>
There was a thud from a nearby room, probably the one across from Kalluto, and it snapped them out of the trance they were in, distracting from the never-ending hums and whirring. They put one arm over their face, making a small noise of discomfort. They missed the sounds of Feitan making a clipped comeback to one of Machi's statements, or even the feeling of their mother running a hairbrush through their hair. They were an assassin, they chided themself, they weren't supposed to get lonely. But, below the assassin part of them was a normal ten-year-old, frightened of being alone yet again, sick of always being alone.</p>
<p>They focused back onto the room where they had heard the noise, hoping another one would come to follow, hoping for a momentary distraction from the Nothing. Another, softer noise came, along with an exclamation.</p>
<p> "Come on! That was for when Leorio and Kurapika get here!" a familiar voice huffed. Kalluto couldn't exactly place it, but they knew they had heard the tone before. There was another sound, and a muffled exclamation, "No fair! I call foul!"</p>
<p> 'About what?'  Kalluto thought to themself. They felt like they were hearing a tv from another room, unable to see the screen. Crossing their arms, Kalluto got up, slowly padding over to the door. They slid down into a sitting position, their kimono covering their bare feet. Kalluto closed their eyes, listening to the ruckus with a neutral expression on their face. For the first time in a while, Kalluto fell asleep peacefully, a not-quite smile gracing their lips.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kalluto was awoken by the loud clamor in the room across from them. They jolted awake, back aching from sleeping sitting up, leaning on a cold oak wood door. They ran their hands through their hair, deciding to brush out the few knots they could feel later as they stood up.</p>
<p>"Yo, boys and girl, get up, I'm treating you to breakfast." A man's voice came from the hall, as he rapped on who Kalluto assumed was the chaotic people across from them's door.</p>
<p> "Coming!" The boy with the familiar voice yelled back in reply. The latch on the other door clicked open, and Kalluto decided to take a look at these mysterious people. They flipped the lock on their door, the cold metal nipping their fingers. Kalluto hated the texture of metal. Paper was better, in their (correct) opinion.</p>
<p>At the same time, the other door opened. Kalluto looked up at the shocked blue eyes of their older brother. They jumped slightly at the sight of Killua's cerulean eyes, and Alluka's matching ones, wide with apprehension.</p>
<p> "Alluka, stay behind me." Killua commanded, holding out his hand in front of Alluka. Alluka shivered, and asked "brother, why is he here? We're scared"</p>
<p> "it's okay, Nanika. I'll protect you and Alluka, alright?" he gave Alluka a reassuring smile, but it dropped to a defensive scowl when he looked back at Kalluto. "What are you doing here, Kalluto? Is Illumi with you?" Kalluto looked caught in a spotlight.</p>
<p> "big brothers?" Kalluto took a step back, nearly tripping on their kimono. Killua's eyes visibly soften a hint when he saw the shocked look on Kalluto's face, and Kalluto quickly regained their composure. "I'm here alone," Kalluto replied in a clipped tone.</p>
<p> "Well," Killua sighed, "I suppose I can't leave my ten year old brother all alone."  he turned to the black haired boy down the hall. "Gon! Keep an eye on my brother, will you?" Kalluto balled their fists. They wanted to yell that they had a name, that maybe he just wanted to talk to their sibling after years of not talking to him, but they refrained. After all, they wouldn't get in trouble if they just stayed quiet and did as they were told. Maybe they would even get praised, if they were good enough. Instead, they walked quietly beside the boy named Gon, the one Kalluto now remembers as the boy that stole Killua away, listening to him chatter about whatever strikes his fancy. At the moment, it was his affection for frogs.</p>
<p> "Don't you agree, Kalluto?"  The question shocked them.</p>
<p> "You- you were talking to me?"  They said, looking up with wide eyes.</p>
<p> "Well who else would I be talking to?" Gon asked, as if it was the obvious answer. Kalluto supposed it might be, but he was so used to being overlooked that when someone noticed him it was surprising. Some of the Nothing crept away at Gon's chipper tone, and a small softening of their eyes, a slight quirk of their lips flickered, for a fraction of a second, on Kalluto's face.</p>
<p> "I suppose I do like frogs. I can't recall having seen one recently, or really since I was three or something," they responded quietly, words nearly whispered.</p>
<p> "Really? That's a tragedy! Killua and I have to take you to catch some on Whale island!" A rush of warm, sweet air surrounded Kalluto as they stepped out the door, and they took a shuddering breath in. Growing up in the cold, everlasting shade of Kukaroo Mountain, Kalluto had yet to get used to the feeling of the sun on their pale skin. It was a pleasant feeling, warm and fuzzy and soft. Unfortunately, kimonos don't feel too good in summer, and they had to borrow some of Feitan's summer clothes a while ago until the heat had toned itself down a touch, so they ended up wearing some old black tee shirts and turtlenecks. Regardless, the troupe still had to keep to the shadows for the most part, and they had never fully gotten used to the sun burning pleasantly on their skin. (On another note, they remember the first time they got sunburn.That was not fun)</p>
<p>Gon led them out to a car, taking his seat next to Killua in the back. Kalluto ends up squished in between Alluka and a blonde person they don't recognise.<br/>
"Who's that?" The blonde asked.</p>
<p> "That's Kalluto, my youngest brother," Killua said. His face was wary as he stared at Kalluto, watching their every move.</p>
<p>"Hello, I'm Kurapika." Kalluto nodded in affirmation that they had heard Kurapika, keeping their head down. "Your hair is so pretty," Kurapika complimented, then chuckled. "I never take care of mine, so it's a bit crazy."</p>
<p> "Thanks."</p>
<p> While everyone chatted, Kalluto kept to themself, trying not to annoy anyone. They got lost in their own head, any other sounds dampened in their trance. "Hey Big Brother?" They ask Alluka, "does Killua hate me?"</p>
<p> The black haired girl tapped her chin. "I don't think so, not really. He's afraid you might tell Illu-nii where I am, I think."<br/>
"Oh." Kalluto turned back down, until Kurapika tapped their shoulder.</p>
<p> "Kalluto, Alluka is a girl. I'm sure you'd appreciate it if you called her by the pronouns she feels most comfortable with." Kurapika gave a half smile, and Kalluto looked at the blonde, tilting their head. "He's- I mean she's- a girl? What?"</p>
<p> "She's trans. That means she has the body of a boy but feels like a girl, " Kurapika explained, and Kalluto looked at their older brother- no, sister-  and decided that they'd call her a girl from now on. They couldn't describe who or what they were, exactly, but they knew they'd appreciate it if someone knew and respected it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The group arrived at their destination rather quickly, filing out of the car in an unorderly fashion. Killua brushed by his younger sibling without saying a word, and grabbed Alluka's hand. Kalluto looked down crossly. "I wish he would treat me like he treats her," they muttered. They were jealous of what Alluka had, but refused to admit it. She had a brother that loved her, friends, respect, and she knew who she was. They were just a ten year old with nobody that cared about them, and no idea who or what they were supposed to be. 'Maybe,' they thought, 'if he just came home it would be okay.' Killua leaving was the cause of their problems, right? They were so sure of it, determined to get him back from the moment they set out. Right? The more they thought about it, however, the more they wondered if it was Illumi that drilled that thought into them.</p>
<p> "Alluka?" They asked. They were still wary around her, as they had been taught that she was dangerous, but for the short time they had known her, they had grown sceptical of that assessment. She seemed fairly normal to them, no hint of bloodlust or cunning showing in her wide, curious blue eyes.</p>
<p> "Yeah?" She said in reply, letting go of Killua's hand and matching pace with her younger sibling.</p>
<p>"Are you dangerous?"</p>
<p> Killua whipped around, growling at Kalluto, "Shut up! She's a human being, not a damn missile or something. Kalluto knew that he was just protecting his little sister, but they replied in a yelled tone anyways.</p>
<p>"Well I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to my sister! It's not illegal, you know!" Killua mouthed 'I'm watching you' but Kalluto pretended not to notice.</p>
<p> "No. I'm not dangerous," Alluka replied, and paused for a second, then said, "Nanika says she's not dangerous, either."</p>
<p> "Oh."</p>
<p>Kalluto looked around at the café they had just walked into. The soft beige of the walls matched the cream trim, the smell of espresso and scones wafting through the store. They breathed in the smell, closing their eyes in masked contentment. While Killua and Alluka and Gon sat at one table, Killua shot Kalluto a glare that told Kalluto not to get even close to them.</p>
<p>Kalluto looked over at the other table, with Kurapika and the dark haired tall guy with glasses. They walked over there, pulling up the third chair. Kurapika greeted them with a nod, while the other didn't really notice. They tugged their fingers through their black hair, realizing they had forgotten to brush it. They didn't see the point of annoying anyone, so instead of participating in the conversation, they sat quietly until their ears began to ring and they felt like they had shrunk into nothingness. It felt unsettlingly natural to be ignored, like this was Kalluto's place in the world. Not special, not normal, not pretty, not ugly, not mediocre, not even a girl or a boy. Just... Nothing.</p>
<p>Someone slid a sheet of paper onto the table in front of them, and their hands instinctively grabbed at it. The rougher texture made it feel like construction paper, but it was thin, like the paper they would normally use for their nen attacks.</p>
<p> "Here are some crayons, sweetie," a voice says, a southern accent blending into their words. Kalluto looked up to see a dark skinned woman, her curly hair done up in a messy bun. She smiled sweetly, and asked, "now what would a pretty little girl like you like to eat?"</p>
<p>Kalluto replied in a monotone, quiet voice, "I'll have water and a poppy seed muffin, please."</p>
<p> Kurapika and Leorio said their orders, and the lady bustled off. Kurapika watched Kalluto crease the paper they were given, folding into what eventually became a beautiful crane shape. "Why did you let her call you a girl?" Kurapika asked, and Kalluto paused and replied, "I'm called that a lot. I don't mind." 'Also,' Kalluto thought to themself, 'it's at least more accurate then calling me a boy.' The word didn't belong to them, they knew that, but it was closer, at least.   </p>
<p>Instead of quieting down again, they took a deep breath and asked the blonde to their side, "hey, are you a boy or a girl? I'm sorry for speaking, I'll stop if you want. "<br/>
Kurapika looked shocked. Kalluto flinched back, instinctively grasping their fan in one hand. Kurapika, who noticed Kalluto's reaction, tried to calm down. While Kalluto thought that they had done something wrong, or spoken out of turn, Kurapika's reaction was really due to the specific wording. The fact that Kalluto had though they were out of line for asking a simple question, and how had, even with all the skills of a professional assassin, flinched back at Kurapika's reaction (they knew they didn't look all that scary when they weren't mad) hinted that the Zoldyck household might be worse than Killua had let on.</p>
<p> "Sorry Kalluto, I'm not mad at you at all. I'm not actually a boy or a girl, I'm something called nonbinary. I'm kinda... in between? If boy was one side of a scale, and girl was the other, I'd be somewhere in the middle. You can call me a boy or a girl though, I really don't mind." They wave their hands a little to show that they're really not upset, their singular red earring catching the light.</p>
<p> "There's... there's a word for that?" Kalluto whispered, looking more like a normal kid than they had the entire time Kurapika had seen them. Their eyes were hopeful, the guarded expression they had worn like a mask shattered.</p>
<p>Kurapika looked confused for a second, before understanding dawned on their face. "Yeah. Yeah there is."</p>
<p>For the first time in a long while, the invisible fog dissipated completely, a childish sparkle returning to Kalluto's lavender eyes. "I'm not alone," Kalluto said to themself, loving how the words felt to say. The emotions Kalluto had pushed down to the bottom of their soul due to their family and the Nothing began resurface, new and interesting. Pain, happiness, excitement, relief and sadness flooded them. It didn't matter if they were dulled from years of being desensitized,  it didn't matter if their morals were still twisted and broken, because it was something. </p>
<p> "No, you're not alone." Kalluto couldn't cry, not yet, but if they could find that much emotion then they would be sobbing. They looked up at Kurapika, a genuine smile on their face. Maybe, just maybe, they weren't Nothing after all.</p>
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